Rescuing Canada
by Pleasing.the.Yaoi.Gods
Summary: England has plans to have dinner with Japan, but before that can happen America shows up and drag England out on a rescue mission. The target is Canada, the kidnappers the Bad Touch Trio, and the destination? Well let's just say there will be cat ears. A bit of Fruk but mostly just silly.


Author's Note: Awful day, so I present you with this nonsensical fic that is a result of my frustration at not only having been stuck on the wrong bus for three hours today but because I can't find a picture of France in a maid outfit with England in a police outfit. So please, enjoy.

England was dusting already clean surfaces when his doorbell rang. He was inviting Japan over for dinner and wanted everything to be perfect so that he could impress the other nation. England rarely had guests over so this was a rather big deal for him. At the sound of the doorbell England looked over at his large grandfather clock with a frown. Japan was not due for another half hour, England still needed to change out of his police officer's uniform. There had been some nasty business earlier that day forcing him to put on the authoritative outfit, but he had no desire to let Japan see him in it. Not because it was improper, but just because it just wasn't an outfit that one ate dinner in, in one's own house when one had a guest over.

The bushy-eyed nation walked over to his door, wondering why Japan was so early. He opened the door and let out a yelp when he was immediately grabbed by his collar and pulled out of his house.

"Bloody hell!" he exclaimed.

"Dude we don't have any time for your complaints."

After recovering from initial shock England realized that it was America who was dragging him down his drive way to a very cool looking car.

"America what the hell? I am getting ready for Japan to come over!"

But the obnoxious nation was not listening and he tossed his former big brother into his car, hopping in after him and pushing down on the medal like a mad man. England let out a shriek and began to demand that America slow down and explain himself.

Dude chill," America said. "We're going on a rescue mission."

"Excuse me, but when did I become a part of your we?"

But America ignored him as he raced through the streets causing England to hold on for dear life. The bespectacled nation was almost as bad as Italy at driving!

"Canada has been kidnapped," America said seriously. "And so as his heroic bro I have to save him."

"Then why do you need me?" England demanded to know.

"Because a hero has to have a side-kick," America explained. "Usually it's Canada but since he's the one who has been kidnapped I have to use you."

England grumbled. "I don't have time to play your stupid games with you. Japan is due at my house in," the Brit looked at his wrist watch," twenty minutes. I demand that you take me back home immediately!"

America had long since stopped listening to England's demands and was too immersed with driving to go rescue his brother. England huffed but eventually slumped into a disdainful silence. After they had been driving for ten minutes, he began asking questions again.

"Where are we even going?"

"No idea," America replied.

"WHAT?!"

"Dude chill I'm just pulling your leg. We're headed to France's place."

The color drained from England's face. He hated seeing France; the bloody frog was always trying to get into his pants and had no respect at all for an actual courting. Not that England wanted one or anything. There was also the fact that England was still in his police officer's outfit and last time he had worn it in the wine bastard's presence that frog had asked if he wanted to have some fun with the handcuffs that were in a pouch attached to England's belt. Yaoi gods only knew what France would say if he ever saw England wearing the outfit again.

"No. I absolutely refuse to go with you!"

"You can't abandon me," America argued as they plowed through the streets towards France's ridiculously prissy house. "A side-kick must always stay by his hero's side."

"I am not your side-kick."

"But what about Canada? We can't just leave him alone with France. Who knows what he could be doing to my bro."

England sighed. America was right, but still Japan was waiting for him. The "proper" gentleman was torn between saving innocent Canada from that pervert's clutches and upholding his appointment with Japan.

America, though, was indifferent to his companion's inner turmoil and after a few more minutes they were parked in front of France's house. "I'll stay in here, "England announced.

"You can't," America said. "If there's any danger then you have to be the one to take it. The hero has to survive."

The image of a naked France flinging himself at England popped into the reluctant nation's mind and he shivered. Before he could protest any further though, he was being dragged out of the car and up to his longtime rival's house.

America knocked on the door with fervent energy while keeping England in front of him like the coward he really was. The door opened and both English speaking countries became tense with anticipation but then relaxed when they realized it was just a maid.

"Bonjour. 'ow may I 'elp you?" she asked.

"I am here to save my brother!" America announced, pushing England out of the way once it became apparent that the area was France free. "Where is France?"

"Um," the pretty young maid said. "'e left a while ago with a cute boy."

"That must have been Canada!" America deduced. England sighed. He wondered if he could slip away now before things got too dangerous, and by dangerous he meant molestation by France. "Where did they go?"

"To Spain's 'ouse. Something about an initiation?"

America gasped. "Canada is in big trouble then!" he announced and grabbed England by the scruff of his uniform. "Quick to the Hero-Mobile!" and without so much as a thank you to the maid they were back in the car and off to Spain's house.

When they arrived they approached the Spaniard's door in the same way they had France's, with England in front and America behind just in case of any danger. After they had rung the doorbell they were relieved to find the door opened by a very pissed off Romano.

"What, what do you cock-suckers want?" the irritable nation asked. "I was sleeping."

"Where is my brother?!" America demanded to know.

"Who?"

Canada! We have received information that France brought him here."

"Oh that one guy with the funny curl. Yeah they were here but they left, thank god. Spain tried to get me to go along but I told that tomato freak that I would poison his tomatoes is he made me go along."

"Where did they go?"

"To Prussia's. They can't be up to any good there-"-but America, poor England in tow, had already left Romano for the Hero-Mobile. "Hey I was talking to you!" Romano yelled but was only met with the squeal off tires. "Fucking jerks," the Italian muttered and then retreated back into his lover's house.

As they raced to Prussia's place England was worrying over Japan. Had the Asian country arrived yet? From the time on his wrist-watch he most likely had. The Brit wondered if Japan was now offended that England was not there, and without so much as even a note to warn him too. It was at times like these that England kind of wished he had a cell phone, but he had never felt very comfortable using them and had never got the hang of all of the little buttons and whatnot. He was probably going to have to get one soon though if stuff like this kept happening.

Within a few minutes they came to a shrieking halt in front of Prussia (and Germany's) house. This time England, his neck hurting from being dragged around by his collar, got out and went in front of America without any argument. Odd, yes, but England just wanted to get this over with so the sooner they got Canada the sooner he could go home.

When they knocked on the door it took a while for someone to answer it and when they did England blushed furiously, America though, intent on his rescue mission was unfazed. In front of them, a goofy smile on his face and no clothes on whatsoever was Italy.

"Veeee?"

"Where is Canada?" America demanded to know.

"Italy! Vhat have I said about answering the door naked?"

"Veee. Sorry Doitsu," Italy said, his grin fading as Germany, in a pink robe with the words "Fuckin' AWESOME' embroidered all over it. It seemed that in his haste to clothe himself he had grabbed his brother's robe instead of his own. The blonde walked to the door and looked at England and America suspiciously.

"Vhat do you vant?"

"We have been informed that France was here and he has my brother!" America said, his fervor for the mission not fading despite how long it was taking. Personally England wanted this to be done with already.

"Oh yeah they were here earlier," Germany said. "They came by to get Prussia; something about an initiation and clubbing."

"Clubbing?!"America yelled shocked and angry. "Canada is too delicate for such things," but Germany only shrugged uncaring. "What club did they go too?"

"Ahh, Club Kitty Cat."

"Oh no," England gasped but America was undeterred, that or he had never actually been to said club.

"Thanks Hasslehoff!" America said and dragged an in shock England back to the car, but half way back to the Hero-mobile England began to put up a fight.

"No, I won't go. I won't you hear me!"

"Dude we're so close to victory, you can't quit now."

"Oh yes I can," England said and tried to release himself from America's grip. "Do you have any idea what Cub Kitty Cat is like?" America looked at him blankly. "It's where all of the worse kinds of freaks go! They bring younger guys to dress them up like kitty cats, and all patrons must be wearing cat ears to get inside!"

"All the more reason to save my bro!" America argued.

"If you want to go in there fine, but I absolutely refused to accompany you." At this point America was putting on the puppy dog eyes, but England, catching on quickly, looked away. "Oh no, I won't fall for such a thing now. It may have worked when you were younger but not now!" England declared. Unfortunately, though, his strength was too inferior to America's puppy dog stare because while the nation was loud, obnoxious, arrogant, and down-right annoying he always seemed to be able to get whatever it was that he wanted, and so England, upon peeking to see if it was over, succumbed to the puppy dogs eyes.

"Damn you!" the former world ruler cursed.

America pumped a fist in the air and tossed England into the car. "I knew you'd see it my way. The side-kick has to follow the Hero's orders." England only grumbled in response. "So," America began as he started up the car, "what did you mean by you have to have cat ears in order to get into the kitty Cat Club?"

England let out an annoyed huff, he really hated to tell America this, not because he cared if the idiot went in, but because it meant that he had been before and therefore knew what was required. It had been a very long night and France had stopped by and…England blushed, he did not want to think of such embarrassing things.

"You need cat ears and a cat tail in order to get in."

"How are we supposed to find a surgeon to give up ears and a tail before the day is over?"

England sighed at his companion's stupidity. "Fake ones work."

"Oh, right I knew that. I was just testing you side-kick," America said with a hearty pat on England's back, causing the car to swerve some.

"Keep both hands on the wheel you prat!"

"Dude, chill I got this," America said and then laughed, England becoming more and more less reassured as this little adventure went on.

After having bought their cats ears the unlikely duo were ready to bust into Club Kitty Cat to save Canada who must be shaking with fear at being surrounded by so many strange people.

England had to direct America to where the club was, and while his ears were red from embarrassment he was very glad that America had yet to question as to why he knew where to go.

By the time they arrived the sun had nearly set and the club was throbbing with music and very crowded outside. England began to sink in his seat, wondering if he could use any spells to disappear, but before he could even begin to think of one America had made a screeching halt in front of the club.

"Come on old man!" America said and hopped out of the car, looking incredibly cool with sunglasses on (despite it being nearly dark), though the cat ears did take away some of the initial bad-assness from the North American nation.

England silently fumed at being called an old man, but got out of the car anyways. With his police outfit he was illiciting even more stares than America, plus the kitty-cat ears did go better with his outfit.

The two walked passed the line outside and straight up to the bouncer. A big muscly man who England would have no qualms with taking down in his younger days, but today he just wanted to go home and not piss off sometimes ten times his build.

"Hey, blondies you got to wait in line just like everyone else," the bouncer told America and England, but of course the arrogant superpower was un-deterred by this.

"We don't have time for that dude. My brother has been kidnapped by a snial slupring pervert! I have to get in there and save him! I'm the hero!"

"Well la di da," the bouncer said, clearly unsympathetic. "You still have to wait."

America turned away from muscle-man to look at England. "OK side-kick this is where you come in handy," America whispered. "You distract the bouncer and I'll sneak in and rescue Canada and then come back to rescue you. Then we'll drive away into the night and you can Canada can thank me by buying me some McDonald's."

England was about to tell America that he would do nothing of the sort but America had already turned back to their obstacle. "Hey big guy! My friend says that you look like the guy whose girl he fucked last night."

This got them a very angry reaction, America it seemed had the best of dumb luck. The bouncer had immediately scrunched up his eyebrows and had grabbed a fist full of poor England's uniform."You telling me you was the one who screwed Linda last night eyebrows?

"I would never!" England protested, but the bouncer seemed deaf to England's denial. "My idiot of a companion is drunk my good sir. Now unhand me at once."

"Oh I'll unhand your scrawny ass right after I give it a good beating."

"Now really, is that any way to treat an innocent man?" England said. He looked over to America desperately, but discovered that the other Western nation had already made his escape into the club, along with some other people who had been waiting in line. "Look, your customers, they are sneaking in."

The bouncer turned to shout at the people sneaking in to stay put and while he was turned away England prayed to God that his next move would grant him escape and not a butt-load of pain and he punched the man in the stomach. This, however, was a mistake as the bouncer's stomach was quite fit and therefore England's hand received the majority of the pain put into that punch.

A very angry face was now facing England and the green-eyed gentleman found himself hoping that he still had some of skills from his pirate days.

Inside the club America was ignoring the strange patrons who were dancing and stroking one another's cat tails and ears. This was definitely not his type of hang out, but he had to rescue Canada!

He eventually found his brother on the dance floor, stiff and looking like his virgin eyes were looking at the strangest porn Japan had put out.

"I'M HERE TO SAVE YOU CANADA!" America declared loudly and pushed his way past France, Prussia, and Spain who were doing a very bizarre dance that they wish was cool. Canada was standing admits the bad touch trio looking unsure of what he should be doing and when America burst onto the scene he looked very confused as well.

"America?"

"America!" Prussia had called over the loud music, his big ass yellow rimmed sunglasses askew as a result of America pushing his way to Canada. America looked over at the albino country and gave him a high-five of bro-respect. "Hat are you doing here?"

"I'm here to rescue Canada from France."

"Now, now America if you wanted to join us you only 'ad to ask."

America looked over at France and shivered a little in fear. France was dressed up in a maid uniform for reasons only yaoi gods could give, cat ears on his wavy blonde head.

Before America could say anything the angry grumbles and cries of people being shoved aside distracted the five nations and they looked over to see a very upset bouncer holding a disheevled England. Spain and Prussia began to laugh and France gave a very excited giggled. England was in his police uniform after all and the threatening rough housing the bouncer had put him through made him look kind of sexy.

"You," the bouncer growled pointing at America, who immediately grabbed Canada to use as a shield. "You and your friends need to go, now."

"Oh come now senor, must you really punish them? They were only here to find us," Spain interved, using hig big brown eyes to smoulder and his sexy spanish accent to seduce. The bouncer looked a little less annoyed, and who wouldn't when a Spainard with a butt to rival all butts was turning his charm on them?

"Yeah man let them stay! We were just about to really party!" Prussia announced, slinging an arm over the bouncer's broad shoulders. The bouncer looked a little annoyed by this, but he was already under Spain's charm and lso he et England go whilst removing Prussia from his person.

"Fine, but behave," the bouncer wanred and then stormed off, questioning his sexuality as he went.

"WOOO LET'S PARTY HARD!" Prussia declared, slinging his arms around Spain and America's shoulders. America, ever the party fiend, whooped his approval and began head banging with Prussia. Poor Canada was left to look even more confused and scared.

England was trying to fix himself, happy to be out of the grasp of that gorilla. It was true he came out pretty unscathed, but his uniform had suffered. He was busy thinking of what to tell Japan when he got home, he had no plans to stay with these weirdos, when two hairy arms snaked their way around England's waist.

"Bonjour Angelterre."

England stiffened. Oh Merlin, no, No. NO. NO. NO.

"I'm not in the mood frog."

France, tather than taking the hint tightened his grip around England's waist. "Just one dance mon cher. It will not kill you."

England bit his lip. He was already horribly late to his dinner and Japan had probably already left, but did he really want to stay in this loud haven for weirdos in the arms of a frenchman wearing a maid uniform? Didn't matter, Frnce was already sensually slidding his hips back and forth against England's, his hands holding the bushy-eyed nation's hips in a way that made England think about the last time he had been alone with France.

"And besides it would be a crime to not allow me to appreciate the way you move whilst wearing such a tempting outfit."

This caused a fierce blush to color England's face and he muttered something about France being a oervert, but he didn't entirely mean it and so he allowed himself to enjoy himself as he danced with France as America, Prussia, and Spain danced bizzarely next to them. Poor Canda was still confused.

A/N: I thought maybe sex scene but then was like naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. Maybe one day though. That would be hot...France in the maid outfit and England in the police uniform...oh yes. Anywho I hope you enjoyed the story!


End file.
